We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Yup
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*