@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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Imagine having a party on purpose.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”