Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
You Might Also Like
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I would move hell over six inches for you
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Genius idea!!
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring