I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no