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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
is this a threat
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.