employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…