I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
You Might Also Like
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
plant them where lol
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*