Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Aaaa…CHOO!
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
WHO DID THIS?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days