Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Why font matters.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
is this how new cars are made??
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.