The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?