My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins