My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
thanksgiving in nutshell
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.