Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.