My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
You Might Also Like
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
The asteroid..