[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I have two kinds of followers
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves