My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
You Might Also Like
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.