The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
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8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
how to exercise your calf muscles
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing