[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
me: my friends:
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Just a friendly reminder!
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.