“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Rooting for the overdog
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song