Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it