Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?