Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You Might Also Like
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night