My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.