#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee