Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Thoughts
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions