Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Terribly Tuesday.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!