Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.