Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Called it
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.