This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
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ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…