Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy