[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
You Might Also Like
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
<- sleeps well with others
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.