if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Sooo many times…..
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
want me to check your oil?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Solving a traffic jam
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.