Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins