Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Thrilling chase underway
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”