COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”