[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
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Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
*updates tinder bio*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself