Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
You Might Also Like
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
we’re gonna need another temp
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA