All excellent questions
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Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.