Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
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I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me when my alarm goes off
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My dad is at it again
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.