one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“what’s it like having a sister?”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife