Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Seems legit
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.