Oh yeah that’s it
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I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Wait a second…
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
saw this in a dream
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.