We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda