Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I have obtained a hat
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed