my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
We have a winner.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”