Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
You Might Also Like
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
2022: I can fix it
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.