I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.