“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.