[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.