I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.